Running from the Sufferance:

How El Roi Found Me in the Chaos

There is a profound difference between hearing a story and surviving one.

When I tell people that Jesus is real, that He saved me and He keeps me! I often see a look of polite confusion in their eyes. They see the person standing here today, but they didn’t see the “me” that was shattered into a thousand jagged, unfixable pieces. I am talking about the kind of soul-crushing brokenness where you watch custody of your six children slip through your fingers. I am talking about those three agonizing times I tried to end my own life because the very act of breathing felt like a burden too heavy to carry.

In those moments of suffocating silence, there was no one there to catch me but my Savior. It was just me and Jesus.

The War of the Flesh: Running from the Sufferance

The truth is, we live in sufferance. Our flesh hates it. The flesh doesn’t want to suffer; it doesn’t want to remember the pain or live in the reality of what we’ve been through. The flesh wants happiness, it wants fun, it wants thrills and joy. It craves passion and those fast-paced thoughts, that rushing adrenaline that makes you feel alive for a second so you can forget you’re breaking.

The flesh knows it will die, so it tries to outrun the pain. But if you sit in that sufferance without Jesus, you will die, in your emotions, in your mind, and in your spirit. I have been there so many times. I thought I was the one keeping myself together. I thought it was “me” surviving the streets and the darkness. I didn’t know that even then, I was with Him, and He was with me.

The “Hit and Run” Life: A Spirit in Flight

Because I was running from the sufferance, my life became a “hit and run.” Having lived as a runaway and faced the cold reality of the streets for years, I only knew how to flee. I ran from people, from responsibilities, and eventually, from my own mental capabilities.

Theologically, this is Total Depravity, the truth that the sin and evils of this world seep into our very spirit. When people hurt me, I didn’t just feel pain; I felt a dark, driving need for retaliation. I sat in the shadows of my mind and plotted destruction. My thoughts were a battlefield, and I was losing.

Biblical Example: Elijah’s Despair

In 1 Kings 19, the prophet Elijah, anointed and powerful, ran into the desert and begged God to let him die. He was exhausted by the sufferance of this world.

The Mirror of Projection

The world has a heavy gravity. It creates strongholds, mental fortresses that try to lock you into a version of yourself that God never intended. And then comes the “Mirror of Projection.” People deep in their own sin start pointing the finger at you, accusing you of the very things they are doing. It’s a trick to make you cave in. You think, “If they’re going to call me a villain anyway, why am I fighting so hard?”

Biblical Example: Joseph’s False Accusation

Think of Joseph in Genesis 39, falsely accused by the very person trying to lead him into sin. The world tried to label him a criminal, but God was still writing his story. You have to stay “prayed up,” or the world’s lies will become your reality.

The Breaking Point: Battling for the Mind

My turning point was a war. I was battling to lose my mind, standing on the thin line between sanity and collapse. I got on my knees and made a desperate deal: “Save me if I obey You.”

I managed about two seconds of obedience before I was the one who broke the promise. It wasn’t Jesus who walked away; it was my own flesh that pulled me back. And because I broke that promise, my flesh made me suffer the full weight of it. In that moment of failure, I felt everything slip away, my children, my dignity, my sanity. I was truly, deeply scared.

But even in my failure, Jesus didn’t leave. It was in that terror that He spoke. I met El Roi, The God Who Sees Me.

Biblical Example: Hagar in the Wilderness

Like Hagar in Genesis 16, a runaway abandoned in the desert, God found me. He didn’t just see my mess; He saw the woman He created me to be. He reached into the darkness and held me so tight that the world couldn’t pull me back into the “run.”

Adonai: The Master of the Pieces

Accepting Him as Adonai, my Master, meant finally handing Him the keys. It meant surrendering those dark thoughts of revenge. This is Redemption. Like the Prodigal Son in Luke 15, I had run until I had nothing left, but when I turned back, the Father was already running toward me. He didn’t just patch me up; He restored me.

The Daily Walk: Little by Little

My restoration didn’t happen overnight. It is a “little by little” journey called Sanctification. It is the daily choice to sit in His wisdom rather than run into the “thrills” of the flesh. I thought I was trapped in a world with no light, but the light was always there, shining over me, keeping me when I couldn’t keep myself.

The Stay Prayed Up Section

The “Stay Prayed Up” Scripture List:

When you are falsely accused: “No weapon formed against you shall prosper…” Isaiah 54:17
When your mind feels under attack: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
When you just want to run: “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14

A Prayer for the Shattered:

El Roi, the God who sees me, thank you for finding me when I was running. Thank you for holding me when I was losing my mind and my flesh was screaming for an escape. Lord, silence the voices of projection. When the world points the finger, let me feel Your hand holding mine. Be my Adonai, the Master of my thoughts and the Healer of my past. Amen.

Today’s Tea Pairing: Peppermint Tea

Just as peppermint clears the senses, this is for when your flesh is rushing with adrenaline and your mind is battling for peace. Take a sip, be still, and let El Roi clear the fog.